7.2 Join and subordinate choppy ideas
Often when writing sounds choppy, the sentences are all of about the same length, and that length may well be short. Perhaps writers are so afraid of overlong sentences that they err in the opposite direction. Variation of sentence length, structure, and motion relieves choppiness best--at least at the rudimentary level.
The real and more subtle source of choppiness, however, may be that the reader must cope with too many single unmodified, unqualified ideas. Many of these sentences may, in fact, have only half-ideas. Such writing seems to move slowly, the writer's logic generally remains hidden, and the emergence of the ideas sometimes seems to surprise the writer as much as it must the reader. Here's an example:
We did an experiment with ten pounds of copper. It was put into an acid bath. It remained there for fifteen minutes. The copper was well cleaned by the bath. 2.2% of the copper itself was removed by the acid. (See the data in Table 11. A picture is also shown as Exhibit 3.)
The issue here is one of appropriate structure for main and minor ideas, and the road to solution is fairly simple: use an independent clause for main ideas and modifiers for minor ideas. An independent clause is that part of a sentence which can stand alone as a sentence; a perhaps oversimple way of looking at a modifier is that it is a part of the sentence that cannot stand alone as a sentence.
The defect of the piece above is not so much that it has so many short sentences, but that the writer has failed to distinguish between main and minor ideas. Looking at the example, I assume that the writer had two main ideas only: one that the acid bath cleaned the copper well, the other that the acid destroyed some of the copper. If I could find some way to write two sentences--since I have two main ideas--I'd be comfortable. However, the limitation on all this is that I should avoid overlong sentences. Here's a possible way.
In an experiment with ten pounds of copper placed in an acid bath for fifteen minutes, the copper was well cleaned as depicted in Exhibit 3. However, as suggested by the figures in Table 11, the acid removed 2.2% of the copper.
In the rewrite, the ideas have been integrated, so the flow is better. Furthermore, another positive result appeared. The writer, or I, the rewriter, had to clarify some ideas: what did the table and the exhibit relate to? You will find that when integrating ideas, you are frequently inclined--in fact, you will be forced--to clarify ideas by introducing words of logic or by placing ideas more clearly.
When writing analyses of data, you may sometimes find that you have the reverse problem--your sentences may be too long and your ideas oversubordinated. When untangling such sentences, remember the simple but powerful idea: main ideas go in independent clauses, lesser ideas deserve modifiers. In other words, when untangling an overlong sentence, your job is to discover the two or three main ideas tangled together there and to state each main idea as an independent clause.
==>Guidelines ==>Flow