7.3 Tighten loose sentences
Loose sentences are much the same as fragmented, choppy statements, but with loose sentences the writer has tried to solve the choppiness by joining the two ideas together with a conjunction. Thus, the writer has written a compound sentence or compound verbs. When you find that you have written many such sentences, you will probably discover that you are failing to manage the information to reveal your main ideas.
In business writing the most usual loose writing occurs when the writer places an "and" or "but" between two independent clauses or between two predicates (phrases containing verbs). "And" and most other simple conjunctions signal the reader that what precedes them parallels what follows them in both structure and content. That is to say, they are equal in weight. When coordinating main clauses or predicates, a writer should instantly suspect his or her logic. One of the two ideas or actions generally outweighs the other in importance. At this point of paralyzed suspicion, the writer must choose the more important idea and recast the sentence so that the main idea is in the main clause and the lesser idea is in a lesser or subordinate position.
(Poor) The wind was blowing, and our antenna toppled.
(Better) When the wind blew, our antenna toppled.
(Best) Our antenna toppled in the wind.
Tightening loose sentences makes writing more emphatic and subtly clues your reader that you can confidently handle complex material. In writing analyses, you will find that few statements simply reporting data deserve the main position in sentences. For instance, you might write the following in first draft:
Acme's inventory contracted by 13.8 days in 1998, and the company's control of material management may be strengthening.
I hope that during revision, you'd subordinate your proof to your conclusion as follows:
Given that Acme's inventory contracted by 13.8 days in 1998, it may be increasing control of material management.
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