9.4 Reduce "the (noun) of" phrases to phrases with verbs
Consider this sentence, for instance:
The sentence is slow and ponderous; it might be quicker with more verbs:
The number of words saved is slight, but the increase in natural flow is profound. Neither sentence is high art, but the second moves more quickly and seems more natural, more like speech.
Even more inflated and artificial sounding are "upon (noun) of" phrases, which often begin sentences that are heavily packed with legalese. For instance "Upon receipt of the letter, we ..." sounds slow, ponderous, and unfriendly compared to "After receiving the letter, we ..."
1. They will assist in the development and delivery of on-line help, user manuals, and system documentation.
2. We completed installation of new temperature control unit in Air Handler Unit No. 1 and adjustment of air blowers in both units.
3. The partnership agreement will include strict operating and compliance performance standards that, if not met, will be conditions for removal of the property manager and general partner.
4. The company initiated the construction of a new plant in Lincoln with a total investment of $26MM approximately and that will be finished by the third quarter.
5. Following regulations and procedures of Acme, it is dedicated to the industrial manufacture of fragrances, flavors, and aroma chemicals for the cosmetic and food industry.
6. During 1999, the company is going to finish the enlargement of the new plant for a total investment of $1.8 million.