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10.7 Go on a which hunt!

Reduce wordy clauses to short phrases. The easiest of these to find is the relative clause, a string of words headed by a relative pronoun -- who, which, or that. Such relative clauses are often needlessly wordy. For instance, "the system which was discussed last week," could easily be "the system discussed last week." This guideline is not an invitation to become overconcise or to remove all relative pronouns; it's simply an easy place to look for possibilities of distillation.


Exercises

1. Then the XX11 will delete items on suspense files that have settled.

Rewrite: Then the XX11 will delete settled items on suspense files.

2. They seriously underestimated the amount of time that would be needed to complete the project. This was possibly due to the fact that a thorough analysis of the complexity and magnitude of the existing system was not performed.

Rewrite: They seriously underestimated the time needed to complete the project, possibly because a thorough analysis of the existing system was not performed.

3. He met with Curtis King and discussed the transaction types which will be required to sufficiently test the XXX process.

Rewrite: He met with Curtis King and discussed the transaction types required to test the XXX process.

4. The online system will allow updating of prices and rates that have been added via the Job 12345.

Rewrite: The online system will allow updating of prices and rates added by the Job 12345.

5. Describe names and quantities of the point of purchase materials that were used for the promotional activity.

Rewrite: Describe names and quantities of the point of purchase materials used for the promotional activity.

6. The basic factors that are examined in determining the feasibility of tax credit multifamily housing are identical to those that are considered for a market-rate apartment development.

Rewrite: The basic factors used in determining the feasibility of tax-credit multifamily housing are identical to those used for market-rate housing.

Courtesy of John Mercer Associates, www.MercerWriting.com

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